Overload

This morning, I couldn’t do anything.  Nevermind that a pastor in my position twenty years ago would have found no problem functioning in the same situation, I live in 2017, and when my computer is freezing and I cannot post an important announcement onto the church Facebook AND I also cannot order the Spark Family Bibles for the kids when they attain their Worship Milestone AND I cannot open publisher to make the “extremely catchy” Adult Education brochure (you know, the one that will entice every adult from 18-99 to be in a classroom with me where we will grow in an exciting way in our faith and spiritual life!)…well, this poses a problem.  This poses a problem that a simple pen to paper won’t solve.  My computer is on overload!

And then I started to think, I wonder if this is how my brain works.

After a morning of not being able to find the keys, dressing four kids for the day (OK, I cheated, the babysitter dressed the baby…but, three out of four ain’t bad, right?!), sending my husband off with the twins, apologizing that doing so will make him late for work (seriously, WHY are we always SO worried about his boss being mad at him for being fifteen minutes late when MY LIFE is being late…but, that’s another story), calling the babysitter to ask if she will come out to our house instead of coming to the church because, yes, I CANNOT get to the church because I CAN’T find the key…the key, my husband says, will cost $1000.00 to replace…and this is not the first time in six months that I’ve misplaced it (nevermind that the first time I lost it, it was found it in the purse of a church member because her daughter had picked it up at VBS, thinking it was her own spare key to her jeep, and had handed it to her mother that morning…you should have seen the look on her face when the key she believed to be the spare key to her daughter’s jeep opened OUR CAR!!!)…anyway…the key is no where to be found…and no, my house is NOT pristine, so…yeah, it could be anywhere…so after I borrowed the babysitter’s car so I could get the oldest to school one minute late (but was sure to remind her to make it a great day!) and the babysitter drove the baby and me to the office and I sat down with the left over soggy Honey Bunches of Oats that the baby and the oldest didn’t finish (the twins got cereal bars on the way to school) and my cold coffee…I began to do what I should have started two hours earlier…and in my fury and passion to do in 1/2 hour what should take three hours…my computer refused.  It was on overload.

And now I know why I lost the key to the car.

Now I know why my sermons have been less than stellar these past few weeks (thank you to my congregation for being patient, I swear they will improve soon!)

Now I know why I just don’t have the patience to be nice to my husband (and it’s not just that he is a particular human who requires more patience than most…OK, that’s not fair…I guess I’m one of those humans, too…or, perhaps we all require an extra amount of patience).

Now I know why I put makeup on for the first time in (seriously!) two years.

Now I know why I embarrassed myself big time (and I mean BIG TIME) by completely forgetting a community engagement on Saturday night and lunch with a fellow clergy person yesterday.

I’m on overload.

Sometimes when I hear about a family who has two children close in age, like less than two years apart, I literally think to myself, “Oh, my, I don’t know how they do it!  I could NEVER do that!”

And then I wake up to myself and realize that I USED to think that when I heard of such a family…but, hello! Rev. Dr. Kilbourne!  You have a seven-year-old, a pair of four-year-olds, and a two year old, and a congregation with a great need for visiting those who are injured or unwell, and many have died this year, and all the while the children’s program is growing, and it will only grow more if the programs are sustained, and the building is being used more and more and that’s great because the congregation requires the revenue from the building use to sustain its VERY FAITHFUL ministry and call to the community, but the building use will only remain organized and safe if I somehow teach myself and some dedicated members to be effective building managers (and there wasn’t a course in the MDiv program or the DMin program regarding building management, surprisingly enough…)…all the while the seven-year-old has a story problem that I just couldn’t get my head around and I took a pic of it to send to my husband so he could think about it, and even when he had the answer, I didn’t know how to explain the answer, and the girl twin seems to be peeing her pants more often and the boy twin has been pooping his pants, and I don’t even WANT to think about what it’s going to take to get the baby to someday (maybe before college?) stop sucking her thumb.

I bought a flash drive the other day on sale at Office Max.  I’ve been moving pictures and videos and documents to it, so that the computer isn’t holding so much saved material.

I don’t know what it would look like to move my kids and husband and congregation into a “flash drive.”  I think it might start with prayer.  Prayer that effectively transfers files from my worn and swirling soul to the Creator of worn and swirling souls.  Maybe then I might find my key and ability to craft sermons…or at least find the reason I’ve been called to motherhood and ministry in the first place because that seems to be the most significant thing I’ve lost.